We have all received our fair share of spam emails...you know, those emails you rarely read because, like the rest of normal human beings, you don't give a rip what "Russian Girls are interested in you"? Until this summer, I was just like you and never bothered with my spam box, however I recently watched a number of hilarious videos by James Veitch, a British comedian who began responding to some of the more amusing spam emails. (If you haven't seen any of these videos, here is a link to my personal favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N682eopajzA)
Ever since I watched these videos, I have anxiously checked my spam box for an email I could have a little fun responding to. Finally, the long awaited email arrived. The following interactions happened.
SUBJECT: PLEASE RESPOND ASAP
My name is Sgt.Amy Raymond, I'm an American soldier. I'm seeking your kind assistance to move the sum of US$13.2Million to you as far as I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service, This is no stolen money, and there are no danger involved. I'm presently in a hospital recovering from injuries Sustained in a suicide bomb attack.
Source of money:
Some money in various currencies was discovered in barrels at a farmhouse near one of Saddam's old palaces in Tikrit-Iraq during a rescue operation while I was still serving in Iraq some years ago and it was agreed by Sgt.Duff and I that some part of this money be shared among both of us before informing anybody about it since both of us saw the money first. This was quite an illegal thing to do, but I tell you what? No compensation can make up for the risk we have taken with our lives.
Please view website for confirmation;
The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British contact working with us and his office enjoy some immunity, I was able to move the money to a security company in Bangkok Thailand as a diplomatic baggage. They are now waiting for us to provide the name of beneficiary who they will transfer the funds to. The reason I want you to claim the funds on my behalf is that as a soldier, I cannot present a concrete evidence on how I made such a big amount of money.
The moment I'm sure that you will assist me, I will let you know were I'm currently receiving treatment and I will also give you the information of the security company and the security code of the baggage. I want you to tell me how much you will take from this money for the assistance you will give to me. One passionate appeal I will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, should you have reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any leakage of this information will be too bad for me. I do not know how long I will remain here at the hospital, I honestly want this matter to be resolved immediately, please contact me as soon as possible, Here is my e-mail address: firstname.lastname@example.org
As you can see by the good grammar and the news article from 2003, this is obviously a legit email. Naturally I responded as follows:
Dear Sgt Raymond,
First of all thank you for your service to our nation! I too would be out there serving with you, were it not for the fact that I am a triple amputee. Seeing as you were involved in a suicide bombing, I am sure you understand the frustration of injuries. (By the way, was the bomber alright? I hope they were able to interrogate him.) I do not imagine that a bombing is much different than the fateful lawn mower accident that took three of my limbs last November. Did you lose any of your limbs in the bombing? I absolutely must know if we share this! Do you still dream about the event too? I wake up in a cold sweat at least twice a week screaming to shut it off. It truly is horrifying. I'm sure you understand.
Pleasantries aside, I must ask, do you have any military ID that I could see, just as a precaution. You never know who you can trust these days. I'm confident that there won't be any issue since you are military.
About this Sgt Duff, can we trust her?
I hope that I am able to help you in a manner that honors the service you have given to our country.
God Bless America,
After I hit send, I just sat back and waited 'til morning. Sgt. Amy didn't disappoint, for just as I expected, I woke to another email:
Thanks for your response. Please accept my sincere apologies for the late response, As we have restricted access to the internet and phone calls here.I appreciate your concern and i'll include your welfare in my daily prayers. I want you to bear in mind that I mean well for us and would like us to trust and co-operate with each other so that we can finish the transaction successfully. The Finance company promised to make arrangements for the legal documents that will back up the transaction.
For your humble assistance, I will give you $4.5 million USD, As I do not want to loose my money to the company because I have worked so hard to safeguard it for the past yrs. The deposit tenure has already expired Eight Months ago and the company is threatening to confiscate the money as unclaimed funds if I fail to present a beneficiary before this month runs out. I don't anticipate any fees as I have already made all the payments.
Considering my present condition here in the hospital, I cannot be able to do much from here, that's the main reason why I want you to handle this transaction on my behalf. Its better I give you that amount than loosing the whole money to the company, so don't be worried.
All I want from you is to present you to the company as my Associate and beneficiary, so that the money will be transferred to your bank account. Then when i'm discharged from here, i'll come over and take my share of the money while you keep the rest as I promised.
I need you to send me your contact information such as Your Full name, Home address, phone numbers and any form of identification for my viewing and confirmation too. I know you understand why I need to view your ID.
As soon as I receive the ID, i will authorize the company to deal with you directly, as my beneficiary. I will also send the security code of my deposited funds to you so that you can contact them too as my Associate requesting that my deposited money be processed and transferred to you immediately.
I hope you completely understand my email. Please feel free to ask anything which is not clear to you so that i can clarify everything before we proceed. I'll be waiting for your immediate response.
God bless you,
Again, Sgt. Amy's good grammar, spelling, and punctuation assured me that I was in good hands! It was time to respond again!
I do not hold you at any fault for the delay in your response as I myself have been delayed in responding to you. Since we share in our injuries, I am sure you understand how hard it is to type an email like this using your toes. Being a triple amputee can be so inconvenient sometimes...especially when I need to to take a break every few sentences to rest and stretch out my toes. Thank you for being so understanding.
Regarding the 4.5 million, I am astounded at your generosity. It is because of such generosity, though, that I am hesitant to ask for more...but it is with much reluctance that I must request that the amount be raised to 5 million even. I'm sorry to seem so greedy, but you must understand that my medical bills and daily massages have really taken a toll on me in the past year and I just don't believe that 4.5 million will be enough to live off of...5 million might even be stretching it, but for a hero like you, Amy, I am willing to try.
One other thought I had, have you considered transferring the funds? If you create an account with Suntrust, we would both get fifty dollars in our account! I think an investment like this might be worth considering! Just a thought.
Attached is my photo ID. It should contain most of the information you're looking for. Regarding my phone number, it shouldn't be too hard to remember. It is 1-800-273-8255. Since I'm unable to mow lawns anymore, I've taken some temporary work at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Just ask for Caleb. This number might also come in handy if you run into any other suicide bombers over there! I'm surprised the military didn't equip you with it in the first place!
I do have one question that must absolutely be answered before we proceed any further...In your first email you mentioned a Sgt. Duff, can she be trusted? I absolutely must know this before we proceed any further.
I think I have some pretty good qualifications to be trusted with Sgt. Amy's money, seeing as I live in the White House (1600 Pennsylvania Ave), I was born on the same day our nation was founded, and George Washington signed my license in the upper left hand corner. I think I'm qualified, what do you guys think? Hopefully there is a Part 3!
UPDATE: Read Part 3 here!